Columbia Rugby’s Toughest Challenge?

2011 marks Columbia University Rugby Football Club’s fiftieth year, and the team is celebrating by doing what they’ve been doing for the past half-century: playing rugby. More specifically, they’re pitting the Old Boys against the young—the fat and out of shape against those with decades of practice at being fat and out of shape. Ever the sentimentalist, I flew back to the Morningside Heights campus to sit down with the current team and get their opinions on this hallowed milestone. I was shocked to discover that long after the invitations had been sent and the flights booked, most of the reservations were coming from the undergraduates.

“There’s a lot of fear,” said Columbia Rugby’s first All-American Derek Lipscomb (’11). “What’s the point of my being fast, fit and practicing three times a week when they’ve got Double Vagina Dan (Wetmore ’01) running flyhalf? If he’s half as slippery as legend, he’s uncatchable. And it’s been ten years; he could be up to five vaginas by now.”

“OMG, like totally,” seconded Mike Bruno (’12) whose online profile proudly boasts his adoration of long walks on the beach.

“I am in agreement,” said rookie center Anibur “Bantu” Poddar (’14). “When I’m not taking customer calls for Southwest Airlines, I’m worrying about Crazy Rich” (Luthmann). Luthmann, Old Blue RFC’s vice-president, has spent the ten years since his 2001 graduation putting himself in what he calls “fighting weight,” thus his participation in April 17th’s  alumni game hinges on the expedience of the delicatessen cattycorner Baker Field.

Other players hope to offset the raw skill, determination, and good looks of their aged opponents with the unscrupulous manner in which they have arranged to play them. “One plan we had was booking the game on a Sunday,” said David Lynch, (’12) the current Alumni Chair and a self-admitted back. “Most of them will be in airport security lines by the time we take the pitch.”

“These geezers will be flying in from all over the country to reunite over an all-you-can-drink fundraiser, and then we’re making them take the field at 10 a.m. sharp,” said Matthieu “Frenchie” Cambournac (’11) before involuntarily grunting ‘uhh huh-huh.’ “You know how your father only beats you in the morning? It’s cause old people get so hungover.”

Ray Caban (expected 2021) high-fived Cambournac and wrapped him in a playful headlock, saying, “We’ve thought of everything this year. We even got a field that no one can wear metal cleats on. They’ll be and slipping all over the place, since no self-respecting rugger owns plastic cleats.”

“I think the best we can hope for is to beat them in the boat race,” said Olaf Matti (’11). The boat race is a time-honored CURFC tradition in which the different ages race their twin-outboard Nor-Tech high-performance speedboats down the Hudson Bay. Each year, the team’s MVP receives a Nor-Tech from the CURFC’s generous endowment, which is permissible only because of the NCAA’s total disregard for the sport and because Princeton pulls these sorts of shenanigans all the time.

Current CURFC Webmaster Eric Soltowski (’13) took a different approach, choosing to eliminate fear rather than propagate it. “I took a break from making the website’s links not work to remove any pictures of alumni so our team can’t be reminded of them. Yep, there’s not a single Old Boy picture on the website any more. It’s like CURFC never existed until 2011. Coach told me to do it.”

Head Coach Hayden James confirmed the claim. “Guys were coming to practice with their mascara running and crap in their shorts after looking at the mighty powerhouses that had come before them. I reminded them that we beat five ivy-league teams this year, but they’re not stupid, and I’ve got to scrape together a full side from these sixty-seven boys, so I can’t have forty-three of them faking injuries because they’ve been on the web reading about the World’s Fastest White Man. (Jeremy Mangion, ’01) Finally I just decided to remove the evidence.”

CURFC fullback and NRU Collegiate All-Star Conor Russamano (’12) added, “please make sure you spell my name with only one N,” oblivious to the fact that he would not have been in the article if not for his parents’ inability to spell.

Though it was impossible to corral the Old Boys, I felt it only fair to call for their perspectives on this monumental occasion. The consensus was that, though scattered, they have universally spent every day since they last in which they wore the blue and white dedicating themselves to the tireless pursuit of aging. “I’m not even going to play,” said Josh Condon (’01), “I’m going to breeze through New York for a few beers on Friday and then get my happy go lucky self back to L.A. Not just because I’m soft as yogurt, but because it’d just be too easy for the Old Boys with me on the field.”

Kern Colleymore (’04) concurred, “I think it’s only fair if we handicap ourselves. Beyond our playing a Sunday game, the prohibition of functional cleats, colossal hangovers, and the combined pressures of wives, children, jobs, travel, failing health and financial responsibilities, I think we should each wear one ski boot, or sew our shorts’ legs together so we have to penguin-waddle. Anything to give the current team a chance.”

Nick “Dynamo” Elkins (’02) further highlighted the current team’s hopelessness. “There are a number of good Old Boys who’re staying away to spare the youngens. Like S.L.A.B.B. (Screams Like a Bitch Ben Widlanski,’04, who’s currently deployed in Oahu, Hawaii) and Rob (Culpepper’00, who joined the Army at the same time as Widlanski only to be deployed to Afghanistan,) and Ike and Steve.” (Ibe and Del Percio, respectively, both ’00, and who share histories of silently observing alumni games from the stands.)

“Everyone’s coming back this year,” said “Scottish” Iain Kennedy (’02), the former WCURFC coach who only gave up sleeping with the women he coached after marrying one of them. “This is the fiftieth, so you’ve got a make a go of it. Sparky (Mike Mahoney ’01) even got work-released from Canada for the trip. Hey, did you hear that Mike (“Teenwolf” Goldberg, ’04) was diagnosed as having been born blind? After all these years, we finally get an explanation for his line outs (throw-ins) and tastes in women.”

In order to promote travel by defraying costs, former CURFC coach Marc Porter (U. Penn ’94) generously offered bedding to visiting alumni. “I sent my wife on a scavenger hunt with our newborn twins,” he gloated. “The timing was tricky. When I found out the game was going to be on a Sunday, I put the fifth clue in Idaho, then called Eddie (Torres ’02) to make sure he had someone who could read the email to him.”

“The name of the game is to have fun and raise some money for the club,” said Mark Grbic, (’12) CURFC’s treasurer, who sold two vowels from his last name as to lead by example. “We’ve got a weekend full of rugby with a quadruple-header on Saturday, plus the ass-kicking CURFC is going to get on Sunday. It took a lot of planning and effort from all sides, but I’m sure the result will be worth it.”

“I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting for this reunion,” said CURFC historian Richard Coppo, (’69) jumping out from behind my refrigerator in Northwest Arkansas as I put the finishing touches on this article. “The centennial is going to be even bigger. It’s only 18,262 days away now, but it’s never too early to start planning.”